New Year, Same Me?
Happy New Year! Wait, that's over. But it's not! We are actually in the new year, we're living it and seeing the fruits of our labor. It's not just a single 48 hours of excitement from NYE to New Year's Day - with glitter and sequins, champagne and hors d'oeuvres, a sweetie to kiss at midnight, and a lovely hangover to last the whole next day. That was reminiscent of NYE in my past life, in the before times; before my daughter, P (BP).
Remember when we set out on this plan to be the newest "me" we could be? That time that everyone else in the world was doing the same? The New Year's Resolution. It even leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I'll tell you something. I was never good at the resolution. I think I gave up on it 15 years BP. Why? Because it didn't work for me. I would last maybe a few weeks, probably up to a month or so and then feel extremely guilty and like a FAILURE when I couldn’t even make it past the winter.
Now, I focus on tiny wins. I don't remember where I heard the term, but it has stuck with me. With motherhood, feelings of guilt, inadequacy, and worry have the tendency to sneak in like that little sugar ant that makes it through crack under the door. If those feelings grow too big, they run the risk of creating a darkness so vast it can block out our sense of reality and confidence (and make it hard to think). The tiny wins become bursts of the Patronus Charm from my magic wand- pushing away the Dementor of Negativity.
But how do I make the tiny wins work? First, they should be something meaningful. Next, they should be something straightforward. Finally, they need to be accepted as a win. Here are some examples of my tiny wins that I have been working on in the past few weeks.
Making the bed first thing in the morning. Have you heard of that graduation speech that was given at UT (Hook ‘em, Horns!) in 2014? I’m pretty sure it went viral at some point. I like to work smarter not harder. So what do I do? I start the bed-making process while I’m still in it. I even try to incorporate some morning stretches while I’m at it. Bend forward touch your toes [and reach for the sheets and covers]. Lay back down and strrrrretch overhead [and reset the pillows]. It’s a beautiful sight when I stroll back into the room later in the day. It’s one simple vision of peace through the chaos that is adulting and parenthood.
“If you make your bed every morning you will have accomplished the first task of the day. It will give you a small sense of pride, and it will encourage you to do another task and another and another. By the end of the day, that one task completed will have turned into many tasks completed. Making your bed will also reinforce the fact that little things in life matter.”
Drink a full glass of water upon waking up. I don’t know about you, but I already have a hard time making sure I stay hydrated throughout the day. After waking up, not only have you not had any water intake (unless you manage to take a few sips through the night), but nerd alert: your body is losing water in the form of water vapor! Getting this water intake re-fuels your brain. Our bodies are about 50-60% water, and the brain is closer to 80-85%! It took a while to get used to this, but wow does it quench that AM thirst.
Give someone a compliment and truly mean it [and accept compliments as well]. The giving compliments felt pretty easy to me. I started with simple ones, “I like your shirt” or “those are nice shoes”. Then as it went along, I graduated to more meaningful and complex ones. “You chose a great color, it brings out your bright eyes!” or “I can see how hard you worked on that”. I’m working on this with my toddler too. Where the compliment supports an action that they did rather than the outcome. After I see the pride in her eyes, which is in its purest form, I think about how as adults we are so wired to focus on the negative. And when given a compliment, we have a difficult time letting ourselves hear and accept the compliments. Now, when I receive a compliment my response is a simple “Thank you”. I’m making a conscious effort to drop the “thank you, I bought it from such and such store” or “thank you, but I think this other color would’ve looked better”. It’s good for both our brains and our egos.
Tiny wins. I’m also trying the concept of the “got done” list rather than the “to-do” list. It’s a work in progress, but when I actually considered the things I’ve accomplished in the day – no matter how small, IT FEELS AMAZING! When I look back on my year, if not for a haircut and maybe slight weight fluctuations, it’s like it was just yesterday. I have to actually skim through pictures and my calendar to see what I accomplished in 2022. Ok, so maybe some of that is due to mom brain. But to me, it’s because I neglect to give myself credit for how far I also have come.
I’m not a new me. I’m a mother, wife, occupational therapist, daughter, sister; trying to do my best in the world and get back a semblance of self. Since P, everything has changed and yet, it’s still the same. We’re working on making it through the day in the best way we can for ourselves, and maybe even create and encourage a brighter place for others.
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